Friday, February 27, 2009

You Decide...

So here it is...Friday...a week since I went to my uncles funeral...

Sad

Empty

Scared

Alone

Are these words that describe my aunt following the death of her husband of over 60 years, or are these words to describe me...or are these words that describe my younger sister....or are these words that describe my 17 year old daughter...

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Teacher?

So...this past week, I had the opportunity to go back to my alma mater. I hadn't been there in over 20 years...it was weird. I took my daughter, Katie, to tour the campus. She's thinking of attending...life is so crazy.


Anyhow, I had about 15 minutes between appointments during our tour and I decided to run upstairs and see one of my professors that greatly impacted my life. He was my electrical engineering professor...his classes were tough. I MEAN TOUGH. But he was a great teacher. I always hated taking his courses but I also loved them as much as I hated them. I hated that I would have to work really hard to maybe get an A-. I loved that I knew I would learn so much while taking it.


He was a larger-than-life type man. I respected him so much and feared him as well.


Here it is, 24 years later...I'm waiting in the hallway for his class to dismiss. Soon, students began coming out, they had the same look on their faces as I used to have...fear, respect, overwhelmed, nervous. I waited for the last few to get done with him. He always sat at the front of the class and would answer questions following class. There were about 9 students up there waiting to ask him questions. I waited in the hallway. Finally, the last student came out.


I went in...I gasped. This once tall and strong man, was now bent over, crippled by arthritis. I approached him and introduced myself. He remembered me...I knew he would....there weren't many girls in the electrical engineering classes (how smart was I to pick that field?).


I thanked him for investing his life in me. I told him how much he meant to me. I thanked him for holding the bar high, because without that, I would have aimed much lower in life. He assured me that he didn't do anything more special for me than he had done for anyone else. I told him that I knew that and THAT is what made him so special.


At this moment, I was prepared to rejoin the campus tour....but he asked me to sit down.


I sat and we began to have a conversation...we shared life...


I shared that I was a single mom...


He shared his past 10 years with me. His wife was killed in a car accident. His daughter had two small girls out of wedlock. His daughter could not get over her mom's death, and she overdosed one night and died. His two granddaughters were 5 and 7. Their father was in jail...their mom was dead....their grandma was dead....there was just him. He got custody of the girls and became a single-parent....working, cleaning, cooking, laundry, daycare, homework....


We discussed how we get all that done. We laughed as we discussed the many meals you can make out of ham...


Then he said this, "My girls are being discriminated against, ostracized from the religious circles...because their mom is dead and their dad is in jail. These are the people that I thought were my friends, my church people. They do not want my girls to come and play with their children."


I told him that my children faced the same thing...due to my divorce.


He asked me this, "I don't go to church anymore. I am not upset at God, but I am hurt by the 'church,' His people. How can you get past it?"

Wow....we went deeper still...here I was, broken, simple, single-mom, teaching my teacher....

I am amazed that God can use me, in my simple broken life....not my educated electrical engineering self...no....He uses the part of my life that holds nothing to boost in....that part that I am not proud of....He uses that part of me to teach someone who was my teacher...

Friday, February 13, 2009

Uncle Paul


Tonight, my uncle Paul passed away at 10:30pm. We found out that he was full of cancer 2 weeks ago. He was given weeks to live.


I had hoped to get to visit him before his time passed...but it went too quickly.


Tonight, my heart is sad.


Let me tell you a little bit about my uncle Paul...


I was always afraid of him growing up...he was a quite man...which was unusual in our family of loud Italians. Therefore, I didn't understand him. His silence scared me, but as I grew older, I began to see and appreciate what was behind the silence...


He was a man that observed and processed life. He loved to read, he loved to learn, he loved Jeopardy, he loved the Mountaineers...but most of all he LOVED his family. He was devoted to his family. His face would light up when they entered the room.


He was very self-disciplined. He loved the earth and loved to garden. He had the prettiest and most productive garden that I have ever seen. He would spend hours in his garden...caring for the plants, gently moving the earth. He shared the bounty of his hard work...I can't tell you how many times I came home with vegetables, big and beautiful, from his garden.


The thing that most impresses me about my uncle Paul was his utter devotion to my aunt Betty. He adored her and she adored him...the two became one.


Tonight, my heart breaks for my aunt Betty....62 years of marriage....of never being apart for even one night...and tonight is the first. How very, very sad.

Wilmore's Blacklist


This morning...my daughter, Becky, came downstairs sick...fevered, sore throat, coughing and a rash. She's had scarlet fever several times, so I'm fearful that might be what she is dealing with now. I get her back to bed and call the doctor. We'll go in for a strep culture later this morning.

It's time to go to the doctor. We are waiting for the doctor to come into the room. We begin to discuss my other children's ideas that they have 'gay-dar.' Becky makes this statement, "What the heck! It seems that Wilmore has it's own version of McCarthyism...including it's own version of the Hollywood Blacklist."

She's right. It seems that this culture wants to quickly put labels on people...not good labels but accusatory labels. Here in this town, we would rather put these people on the Blacklist than have to deal with the people. We want to isolate them off - discount them, not walk with them on their journey, caring for them.

I pray that I can be different and that I can raise my children to be different. I thank the Lord for Becky and for her insight here. (i love sick days with my kids...spending the day hearing them)

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Valentines Decision

Tonight I did something that I've never done before, and probably won't get to do again.

I took David out shopping for his valentine's gift and card for his girlfriend. I was surprised at the time and thought that he put into it. He was looking for the perfect gift...and card. He painstakingly looked at every stuffed animal until he finally spotted one and picked it up and said, "This one is it. It jumped right out at me."

Then we went to the card isle...we read each one....all of them, until he found the perfect one. It was cute and funny but a little vulnerable.

He used to do this for gifts and cards for me...and now, well, there is a young little girl that he has done this for....exactly as it should be.

I am not Joking

So...for those of you that think I have been exaggerating with my past two posts...well...I have not. Today, I'm at work and one of my neighbors says 'hello.' I say hi and then he asks this, "Is Graham fixed?"

I say, "So, you've seen the action in my front yard."

He says, "Oh yea...he's been very busy."

I told you...my front yard has been educating the neighborhood and the small children going to school!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Happy Hump Day!

So....this morning....same routine....down the steps....Graham trying to kill me...make it down safely....let Graham outside....toast and tomato.....still no Graham barking to get it....open the front door and ...

there is Graham humping his little girlfriend.

Yes, he is on her riding like there is no tomorrow. I can not believe my eyes....the boy is fixed and has been fixed since he was a wee lad! I didn't think he knew what to do!

Side note: I live right across the street from the back entrance to Wilmore Elementary School...and it just so happens that the time I let Graham out in the morning is the time when all the little elementary school kids are going up to school...so yesterday morning they all watched my dog getting his weiner licked in the front yard...and now all out fornication! I see small children pointing at my dog and I see parent's faces in total disgust. Yes, we are providing sex education to the small children on the way to school!

Anyhow, I yell out again..."Hey Graham. Get your horny butt in here...there will be no fornication on my front lawn...start my day off with this..."

Happy hump day!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Monday, Monday....Oh Wait, It's Tuesday

This morning I do my morning routine...I'll spare you the boring details of that. Instead I'll pick up at the point of walking down the steps...dog, Graham, on my tail....trying to trip me as I walk down the stairs. It's a game we play...well, he plays...I fuss at him the whole way down.

I have survived another morning of this game and I get to the bottom of the steps and open the door. I hook him on his chain. Close the door and go put wheat bread in the toaster. It pops up and I make my breakfast of toast and tomato with some garlic powder and salt. I hear David coming down the steps...I'm walking around eating and putting up dishes from the dishwasher. David comes into the kitchen to get his breakfast, a bowl of applesauce, and takes it into the living room to eat.

Normally, I would have heard a "ruff" at the front door by now....which means Graham is done outside and wants to come in and get his morning snicky-snack. But I haven't and I'm wondering why. I open the front door and there is Graham standing in the yard with a visitor...a little black and white dog. Graham has his back leg lifted up in the air and is letting this little visitor lick his weiner. I yell out the door.."Graham. Get in here. What are you thinking, fornicating in my front yard first thing."

Graham comes running...his mistress takes off running. David hollers out to me, "What was going on?" I say, "Graham was standing outside with his leg up in the air letting some dog lick his weiner. Like I want to see that in the morning."

Graham runs into the foyer, gets to my feet and vomits. I say, "Graham, what the heck? Are you sick or something? Vomiting at my feet."

David then says this....

"I'd vomit too if someone licked my weiner!"

Oh....I'm saving this one for his wedding rehearsal dinner.

The Nuisance...er....Nuance of Valentine's Day


David has a girlfriend. How do I know this....because he is officially listed as in a 'relationship' on Facebook...too cute. He showed me her pictures last night....cute girl....really cute.

Yesterday, David was home sick. We spent the day together...I love and cherish those days...him laying around and very cuddly. I find that these days don't happen often for teenagers. Anyhow, my pastor comes by my house and delivers a valentines to me...he does it for single and divorced mom's and widows. When he leaves, David asks me this, "mom, is today valentines day?"

"No....it's Saturday," I say.

David says, "Good...whew, I thought I missed it."

I now clue into the fact that this comment has come from my son who is in a relationship and say, "So what are you going to get Jacelyn?"

He says, "Well, i guess nothing because i won't see her on Saturday."

I say, "Wrong answer. You'll see her Friday and she'll expect something."

He's worried now, "Mom, what should I get her?"

I tell him I have no idea..."Maybe something chocolate."

So, KT comes home from school and sits down. I say, "Hey KT, David and I are discussing what he should get Jacelyn for valentines day. Got any ideas what a young girl would want for valentines day?"

HERE COMES QUOTE OF THE WEEK - done as only KT can:

KT says, "How the heck (it was a little more colorful word that this) would i know? I've never had a boyfriend on valentines day....you're on your own David....12 years old and in a relationship my ars."

I nearly wet myself. She cracks me up.

Okay....Becky comes home a little later and I say, "Hey Beck, what should David get Jacelyn for valentines day?"

She says, "a rose."

I say, "Really?"

David says, "I want to get her something romantic..."

SECOND QUOTE OF THE WEEK - and I'm convince this is a direct result of us living in Wilmore, Kentucky:

David says, "...so, we need to go to Walmart."

Hilarious!

Becky looks up and says, "David, Walmart is not romantic."

So David sings, "Well then....Every kiss begins with KAY."

QUOTE THAT WAS GOING THROUGH MY MIND, but I didn't verbalize it:

Are you kidding me....you're 12 and you're getting action....I'm 45 and I get nothing!

My life.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Never Eat Yellow Snow...Never Be Dirty Snow


So...I'm driving along Jessamine Station. It's a beautiful spring feeling day...warm air, sunshine...beautiful. Something on the side of the road catches me eye. It is a small pile of snow that was plowed off to the side of a driveway during our last snowfall. Now as you may know, I LOVE snow...I do. I love it when it snows at night...blanketing the earth in white. It feels pure and clean and quiet. The blanket of white seems to be able to purify the earth...covering the dirt and mud with pure white. I love the quietness of a winter's night. I love to go for walks in the fresh snow of a winter's evening. The snow seems to be able to quiet the commotion of this crazy world. It is during those snowy evening walks that I feel that I can hear God...really hear Him. I love those times...

Now I see this pile of snow...it's dirty, grey and black...not white at all. I don't feel clean and pure when I see it...I am disgusted by it....wishing that it would just melt away already.

It suddenly hits me...is this possibly what my "righteousness" looks like to the world? I am supposed to wear the righteousness of Christ - removing my filthy rags and putting on His righteousness. His righteousness is that pure blanket of fresh snow....whiter than white...able to quiet the craziness of my world...it's perfect and beautiful. But then I put it on....and somehow, if I don't spend time with Him, letting Him refresh that pure layer of snow (righteousness) then it turns into this...an ugly pile of grey and dirty snow (righteousness).

Lord, please cover me with a fresh layer of your righteousness.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

A Hero?

On Thursday night, my children were swamped with homework...this happens because if we get one snowflake they call school off and we've had 7 snowflakes this year which means they've had seven days off school and now they have to make up time. As usual, they had delayed starting their homework...David playing with a friend outside and Becky...what else...on Facebook. So, finally when I asked the 25th hundred time..."Do you have any homework?"....they begin.

I have to tell you...this really annoys me. I hate how they wait until the last minute...doing anything and everything for as long as possible to delay their homework. I guess I used to do the same thing in my youth - but I wish they would learn from my mistakes. I wish that I could show them the error of their ways and that they would realize how much fun they could be having if they would just get the work done and then play. I'm done dreaming...back to the story.

So, they finally begin their homework...they pull out tons of books and papers and I surmise that this is going to be a LATE night.

Four hours later, after many..."Are you working on your homework?"...my sons tells me that he has to write a memoir....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....this is going to a LONG night.

He takes the laptop upstairs and comes down about an hour later and says he needs a picture of me and a picture of him and I together. I tell him to look on the laptop and find some.

He comes down about an hour later and says that he is done and needs to print it out. I tell him to get it done because it's midnight and I am going to bed. He comes upstairs and says he's done and he would like me to read it. I ask him if it can wait until the morning. He says yes, but he seems a bit disappointed.

We go to sleep.

The next morning, when David gets up, I ask him to read his memoir. He seems pleased that I have asked. He hands it to me and says, "It is kind of sad."

I read it...I had no idea that the divorce was as hard as it was on him. I had no idea that he struggled with the divorce being his fault somehow. I had no idea that he questioned God....I HAD NO IDEA. He was only 2 years old when we separated...

My eyes well up with tears as I read the next statement. "Mom led me back to Jesus. She is my hero."

I have never been anybody's hero. I am not worthy to be my son's hero.

I look up at him. We embrace...

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

12 Year Old Boy Joy

So, I'm sitting here in the living room with my 12 year old son and my 15 year old daughter. She is, of course, on Facebook....he is playing on his ITouch. I'm checking work email and playing solitaire...how sad is that. He has found that he can start ITunes on the computer that I'm working on from his ITouch....causing ITunes to pop up on my screen and interupt my work. This gives him great joy.

He grows tired of that game...Becky and I continue to work on our computers. Suddenly his ITouch lets out a loud and long farting sound....he follows it up with a wet-fart sound....both of these sounds causes Becky and I to peer up over our laptops at him. His face is beaming....totally delighted with the fact that he has gotten us both to look up at him. To boot, my daughter lets out a groan of disgust...exactly what he was hoping for. He gets his ITouch to make a one-cheek-sneak fart sound. She moans again......I BUST OUT LAUGHING. He thinks that I am laughing at the sounds that he has made...so he joins me.....laughing.......this cause me to laugh the deep laugh from the depths of my soul. This causes my daughter to moan, "Mom, you are crazy to think that's funny"...David takes great delight in the fact that I do and that it has disgusted his sister....so he laughs harder.....I am now crying and laughing! I love my children. I love the dynamics of my children. I love how they are created and who they are. I love how they interact with each other. I love the whole boy and girl dynamic. I love to see them process farting sounds differently. I love that David can get our attention - which is what he loves - anytime he wants....by a simple fart.

I love the joy they bring me!

Monday, February 2, 2009

The Joy of the Thaw

The sun came out on Saturday...I listened with great delight to hear loud chunks of ice falling from trees and from the house. I kept looking out my front window to see my tree. Would the thaw be gentle enough for the tree to survive? If the damage was not severe enough to break the tree, would it have been deep enough to cause the tree to be deformed? Would the tree be able to return to its old shape and splendor?

I waited and watched...as the day progressed the ice continued to melt and fall off. As the next two days unfolded, something amazing happened. The tree, which had been bent all the way to the ground, sprung back up to its old height and glory. It has always been a beautifully shaped tree and it returned to that same shape.

After the deep groanings of the soul, after there has been damage, is it possible to regain its shape? Can a soul return to the shape it was created to have?